growth mindset

say "you're such a hard worker!"  

 

Telling a kid they're smart can't hurt, right? Well, a ton of research out of Stanford University says "yeah, um, kinda it can." Carol Dweck is the most prominent researcher behind growth mindset. She's published a ton on it and we've read it for you. Instead of telling a kid they're smart, here are some things grown-ups can say to help kids get their growth on:

  • You are such a hard worker, I like that
  • Great work, you're trying really hard to solve that problem
  • I like how you keep trying new ways
  • That's cool that even when it gets tough you keep at it
  • If this was easy it would be pretty boring, I like a challenge
  • Every time you try a new strategy, your brain is growing
  • I couldn't do this the first time I tried, but I practiced and got better each time
  • Hmm, you figured it out right away? That's cool but it must be too easy for you. Let's find something a little more challenging so you can have some fun
  • I love how first you tried this and it didn't work, so then you tried that and it didn't work, but you didn't give up, you kept working at it
  • Every time you try a new way, you're getting smarter and smarter
 
 

When a kid succeeds and adults say "you're so smart," kids assume the reverse is also true. That means that when they fail a little, they assume it's because they're not very smart. So, what ends up happening in a kid's head is either: "I did it, I'm smart!" or "I couldn't do it, I'm not smart." 

How messed up is that? All we've been trying to do is help our kids develop confidence, right? To believe in themselves and believe they can accomplish their goals. And now it turns out that all the well-intentioned "great job, you're so smart, honey" we've been throwing their way is having the polar opposite effect. Thanks a lot, research.

If you're one of those parents who's been telling your kid they're smart (all of us), no need for tears. They're not ruined forever. You can start building their growth mindset today. Dweck says a good way to help a child internalize the mindset is to model the behavior yourself. Here's what we've been trying with our kids:

  • This is really tough, but I'm going to keep trying, and trying, and trying
  • That one was a little too easy for me, it's so much more fun when something is challenging, I'm going to find a trickier one
  • Look, I did it. I didn't get it the first time, but I tried a few different ways and I learned something new